4 Steps to make Anger your Ally
In which situations do you feel anger and how do you experience it?
Whether when hearing a criticism or not getting what you want, anger is a human experience, which can range from mild irritation, to silence, frustration, all the way up to rage.
If you’ve read the precursor to this blog ‘Feeling is Key’, I’ve already invited you to reflect on the reaction of those around you when you felt anger during your childhood. Anger is more often than not frowned upon, and considered something to control or stop. Few of us were shown and taught how to navigate uncomfortable emotions, and how to process anger in a healthy (and non agressive) way.
How can you do this? There are different techniques you can choose from, one of which is the R.A.I.N practice.
R: Recognize what is happening
Be aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors at this precise moment. What is affecting you? What are you thinking about? Where is the feeling in your body? What are you doing ?
A: Allow life to be just as it is
Typically when we have an unpleasant experience, we either judge what’s going on (‘I am so stupid to have said this’), we numb ourselves (we block anything that we believe will hurt), or we focus our attention elsewhere (by having an argument or through distraction). Allowing means simply letting your thoughts, emotions, feelings, or sensations be present. You can opt to breathe into them, and act like an observer.
I: Investigate your experience with kindness
Be curious about your experience in that moment: what’s going on for you right now? What can I learn from this situation?
N: Non-Identification
Maybe you’ve heard Buddhists say: “don’t take anything personally”. Who you are (your identity) is distinct from any (uncomfortable) emotions, sensations or stories you may tell yourself.
No matter how intense and unpleasant the emotional storm is, keep some space between who you are, and what’s going on in any given moment.
Step 1
Observe your thoughts - what’s the chatter in your mind, what are you saying to yourself (‘I can’t stand them’, ‘they’re stupid’, ‘that’s unfair’, ‘I’m so stupid to have agreed to this’, ‘why did I say yes when I meant no’…)?
Become aware of the sensations in your body: where is the feeling of anger? Is it a knot in the stomach, a constriction in your throat, a weight on your shoulder, a tension in your fist…?
Take a mental note of your behaviour: do you keep quiet and withdraw, or do you snap, shout, and become agressive…?
Step 2
Give space to your feeling whilst refraining from judging what’s happening in your mind and body. It may require some practice at the beginning if you’re not used to do this. Endorse the role of a neutral observer.
Breath deeply. I like to direct my breath to any area of tensions and/or add a colour on the inhale and on the exhale. Try out, and see what works for you.
Step 3
Put your investigator’s cap on and ask yourself:
Would I react this way if it was someone else?
What is it that I’m really angry at?
Which meaning am I giving to the situation?
What does this feeling want from me? What is it attracting my attention to? This is a particularly important step, look at what is beneath the anger, at what’s is really fuelling your anger.
Step 4
Whilst you may say ‘I’m angry’, you’re not the anger. This not who you are at the core. This may sound trivial or a twist of tongue, but it’s actually a very important concept to realise. Identifying with our thoughts and feelings, is what makes it so painful.
If you try this out and have some feedback or experiences to share, let me know about it in the comments section.
Feeling your emotions fully is key to be aligned, fulfilled and happy in life. If you want support in working with intense and difficult emotions, learning to approach them with a compassionate curiosity, so that they become your ally, get in touch with me by clicking here. Imagine how your life would be by tapping into your natural abilities to BE, DO and HAVE what you really want in your life, and how it would impact positively on the life of those around you. Instead of accepting the status quo, you can choose to turn all the “I can’t” and “I shouldn’t” into create new possibilities for yourself. Are you now keen to create a positive change in your life?
I can help you feel centered, tap into your inner strength, express your essence and live fulfilled through the ‘Inside-out’ Approach.
Until we meet, take care.
Cécile
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Hi! I’m Cécile Bleskine
I support women lead a fulfilled life, feeling aligned with who they are and what they want
Fascinated by the connection between mind, body and energy, I have specialised in several modalities, that when combined, facilitate personal and professional transformation
My passion for blending neuroscience and meditation (mind), somatic and emotion based work (body) and practices such as reiki and sound healing (energy) creates a profound experience that brings about lasting results
This ‘Inside-out’ Approach is what sets my work apart
If you’d like to know more about how we can work together, click here